So today I had my first baby doctor appt.  I was totally stoked because I am about 5 months along.  This is the first time I absolutely LOVE the doctor and office and hospital.  When I was pregnant with Lil Tony, the first doctor I went to was in a not so nice neighborhood, the office was packed all the time and I didn’t really care for the doctor.  The second doctor I found I liked but she was moody.  When I was pregnant with Isabel, I liked the hospital but wasn’t so pleased with the doctor.  This time, the doctor was so nice, the office was clean and nice and I liked the hospital too.  The doctor just didn’t seem opininated. I mean he gave his opinion on things but didn’t  do it in a pushy manner.

So here is where the mixed feelings come in, with all my past pregnancies, the doctors have said none of them wanted to deliver more than 3 c-sections.  My last doctor said there was one doctor in the office that would but it’s not very often.  So today when I brought the subject up with my doctor he said that he can see why they don’t want to deliver more than 3 c-sections but it isn’t his decision to make.  He can go over all the risks of having more but ultimately he will deliver more if I want. 

For the last 2 yrs Tony and I thought that we were only going to have 3 children together (4 total kids) and we were pretty bummed out about that.  I always wanted it to be my decision when to stop.  I never really wanted to be medically restricted from having more.  When we found out we were pregnant this time is was bitter sweet.  We were so excited but sad at the same time knowing it was the last child we were going to have.  Our original plan was to get my tubes tied. 

My doctor today told me he has delivered 7 c-sections before.  WOW, now I don’t think I want that many but I do want that to be my choice.  The doctor said that the ideal decision would be to have this baby and tie the tubes but if my heart is not in the right place to have that done then we can discuss alternatives.  That is what I love about him, he is not pushing his opinions or beliefs. 

So Tony and I were talking about it on the way home and his concern was money.  Children are expensive to raise.  We have goals and desires to own a home and some property some day in the near future.  I think what we will end up doing is not getting my tubes tied but not have any children for several yrs.  Give us time to save money and get closer to getting our own place.  Maybe in 4-6 yrs have another baby.  This way our 3 younger ones will be out of diapers and formula and all walking.  Maybe things won’t be so rough.  If we decide after 3-4 yrs that we don’t want more than we will decide where to go from there.

Now these plans aren’t set in stone, we still have about 4 more months to think about it but so far that sounds like the way to go.

So the other good news is on Tuesday we will be having our ultrasound, we get to find out what sex the baby is.  I just can’t wait.  Tony may not be able to make it and that saddens me but I am not sure I can wait any longer. 

I absolutely love when Tony has off, which he did today, we just don’t have enough entertainment.  LOL! What I mean is Tony likes to play video games and I usually like to have some form of TV playing.  Either a movie or a TV show or something I have recorded on my DVR.  The only problem is that since I get to do what I want every other day during the week, I try to let Tony have free reign of the TV on his days off.

We enjoy being around each other but the only way to make it work is for me to go watch TV in our bedroom, upstairs.  I don’t necessarily mind because that is my little time away from the kids, a mental vacation. 

What we need though is 2 TV’s in the living room and 2 TV’s in our bedroom.  Is that too much though?   I just think that is the only solution to make both of us happy. 

I came from a split family, my parents divorced at a young age.  My dad remarried and for years I accepted his wife as my mom.  I was young when he remarried.  It wasn’t until I became a teenager that things went downhill.  No need to go in to details, let’s just say I had the usually “your not my mom” attitude.  I am certain it caused a lot of stress and tension in our house.

I got pregnant at a pretty young age, 18.  I was unmarried when I got pregnant and feel that marriage only transpired because of the pregnancy.  Our family lasted until Nicki was almost 3, roughly the same age I was when my dad split from my mom.

I made it through one bad relationship after another, was cheated on, physically and mentally abused.  I worked my butt off to make sure Nicki and I were taken care of.  At one point I worked 3 jobs.  Most of the relationships I stayed in past it’s time just so I could make sure Nicki had a roof over her head.

I was extremely fortunate to have met Tony.  He loved me and accepted and cared for Nicki.  We decided to start having children 9 months in to our relationship.  We knew each other was the right one.  I thought the decisions I was making moving forward with Tony was in the best interest for Nicki and I.  We would have a solid loving family.  Tony and I have been together for almost 4 yrs and our family has grown and up until a yr or so ago we were all very happy. 

Nicki has unfortunately hit a point of “woah is me”.  Her father wasn’t an active part of her life and that really affected her so I made the choice that he needed to be there 100% or not at all.  HE chose NOT AT ALL!  I decided that maybe she shouldn’t see her extended family on her dad’s side as much since her dad would be there and all of that really affected her.  Well I think she is now really resenting me for that. 

Tony and I have tried to make our family big and happy.  Include Nicki in everything we do.  I think she resents Tony because she thinks he is trying to take her dad’s place (which she has told me in the past) and I think she resents her brother and sister because they get our attention, taking from the full affection she thinks she needs. (she has also lashed out at her step brother, jealousy -  her dad’s son)

That is really only part of the story, I can go in more detail but it would be a really LONG story and I just don’t think it’s necessary.  Point is I feel extremely stressed, frustrated and sad.  We have tried so much and she just seems to want to push away.  I ask her all the time what the problem is and she can’t come up with a reason.  Sometimes I think she is happy being sad.  Sounds silly but she is always in “whoa is me” mode. 

Maybe things are coming around to bite me in the butt for growing up and having a bad relationship with my step-mom and dad. 

I just feel stumped, I don’t have a solution!  Parenthood is challenging!