LOL!  I am not sure what my problem is.  This whole weight thing has my nerves in a knot.  I want to be happy. I want to be energetic. I want to stop needing a nap in the middle of the day.  I want to stop being out of breathe carrying my kids up the stairs.  I just want to be happy.  It is not realistic in my life to be on a “diet”.  Honestly we can’t afford fruits and vegetables all the time.  We can’t afford the expensive “healthy” foods.  It takes a lot of time to count calories and measure my food, with 4 kids and full time school I just don’t have the time.  I don’t feel I eat THAT much in a day but I am gaining weight and not losing.  Maybe I really am eating more than I think.  Maybe I need to just count one “normal” day of calories.  Maybe I will see that I eat 2x’s the amount that I should be.  Maybe I am not eating the right foods, enough fruits and vegetables.

Maybe I need to eat smaller meals and more of them.  Maybe I eat too much 3 times a day.  Could it be a thyroid problem?  Could it be genetics?  Am I forever doomed and will forever struggle with my weight?  Do I need to just be happy with who I am; the weight I am?  Do I need to see a doctor?  Do I need to take diet pills?  Will exercise really help, even if it is just a brisk walk around the neighborhood?  If it’s a thyroid problem, do I need to take progesterone supplements?

How do I feel better about myself?  How do I accept myself?  How do I lose the weight without spending countless hours working out and counting calories?  Will I ever be happy with myself?

So I don’t think I eat a lot, I mean I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner….most of the time that’s it.  Tony and I occasionally have snack at night when we watch Bones and when I am at school I get a muffin to eat during Accounting class.  The problem is I am gaining weight and fast.  Since August of last year I have put back on 30 pounds.  I say back on because when I had baby Max in Dec of ’09 I started exercising and losing weight.  I had lost about 60 pounds and when Tony and I started school in August we both stopped going to the gym.  We just didn’t have the time to go.  But since then I have put almost half the weight back on.

Is it stress?  Is it what I am eating?  Is it how much I am eating at each meal?  I stopped keeping track of my calories when I stopped going to the gym.  Maybe that is where I am going wrong, maybe I don’t think I am eating a lot but in reality I AM.

I don’t want to be fat or overweight.  Unfortunately even when I lose weigh and get down to a weight I will be happy I will still be considered overweight.  Heck, Tony is considered overweight and he is by no stretch fat.

Maybe I need a fat burner.   Maybe I need to have my jar wired shut!  Maybe I need to have my stomach stapled!  What I do know is that if I keep down the path I am, I will be WAY overweight in no time.  I have come to realize that when I get stressed I want to eat.  I am not sure if it it makes me want to eat or if it makes me just not care of things and eating healthy is one of those things.  I feel stressed a lot.  I crave sweets A LOT!  I feel like I don’t care about myself A LOT!  I feel I am not good enough for the people around me A LOT!

Finding time to go to school full time, take care of my kids full time, and take care of the household duties full time is A LOT of work and I feel stressed.  I can’t give up though, I have to keep pushing forward.  But I need to take control of my life, start caring about myself and make some changes.

Well when the Fall semester started, Tony and I had to stop going to the gym.  We just didn’t have the time to go.  Since then I have gained like 30 pounds, I feel depressed.  I just LOVE food and hate the typical gym workout.  I dread going to the gym, running on a treadmill or elliptical.  I get bored.  I LOVE class type workouts, Jazzercise, Yoga or the Bootcamp they had at my gym.  The problem is at our gym, they didn’t have them all the time.  They would have it for 3-4 weeks and then wait months before having another.  Yoga and Jazzercise are just not in the budget right now, each would cost abou $50 a month. 

The problem is we are planning on moving back to IL next fall, so I have like 18 months to lose weight.  I might want to see old friends from high school when I get back and I know I am ver heavy compared to the last they saw me. 

Plus if Tony and I ever marry, I might want to wear some bridal lingerie and the way I look now there is no way. 

The other day I asked Tony if my Mother’s Day, Birthday and Christmas gifts for the next 2 years could be memberships to either Yoga or Jazzercise.  Or just be able to pay on a per visit basis and attend one of the classes as often as I could.  He said he would have to think about it, I know it is mostly because of he money but we will see. 

I just want to feel good, I have been battling this problem for almost 14 years.  Since Nicki was born, since I was pregnant with Nicki I have just steadily gained weight.  Right before I moved to Florida about 8 years ago I had hit an acceptable weight that I could feel comfortable.  Then after I met Tony and getting pregnant over and over again, one right after the other I think I really messed up my body. 

Oh whoa is me I guess, I know what I need to do and I just can’t bring myself to do it.  I need to decide fast if I can be happy the way I am and if not I need to snap out of my funk and get serious.  Stop compaining about it and do something to make my depression all go away.

I love the internet, I love being able to go to Google and type in some key words and I usually will find what I am looking for.  Unfortunately I do suck at it most of the time.  LOL!  Tony is so much better and knowing which words to put in the search box to get the best results.  The other day I was searching for corrugated chipboard shapes and for some reason they popped up results for conjugated linoleic acid cla.  What the hell is that?  I don’t even remember what words I typed in but that was the result.  I get so frustrated sometimes.  Tony can sit for hours and do Google search after search, I get so frustrated, I never last long.  LOL!

LOL!  Probably not, I am just trying to make excuses.  For my weight that is.  I am so freakin’ tired of this shit.  Seriously.  When school started I pretty much stopped going to the gym.  I just couldn’t find the time.  I know, I know excuses excuses but really the only time I used to be able to go was when Tony was home.  Now when Tony is home one of us is doing homework. With our schedules being so filled with kids and work and housework and homework I just didn’t think that working out was a priority.  I guess it should be when I am overweight.

Since the beginning of school and not working out I have gained like 10 pounds.  WTF!  I mean I know I eat a little bit more sweets and shit but come on 10 pounds.

Tony and I have actually put our gym membership on hold for the next 2 months.  Maybe when the new semester starts we will have more time to go, I don’t know.

I have heard a lot of people say their weight gain or weight problem was from a thyroid problem.  As much as I would like to say that is the case with me, I just don’t think it is.  I think that my family has some HORRIBLE genes.

I did a search for thyroid info and the only thing that kept popping up in the search was ” Thyroid doctor austin“.  That must be a popular search.  I will have to do a little more research to find out more info but I am really not going to hope that it is that by any stretch but at least maybe then I would have a medical reason and maybe could get some professional help.  Who knows.  I certainly can’t keep going like this or I will balloon back up to a very large weight.  Yikes!!

I am have been getting really annoyed with junk mail.  I am not sure how or why I am getting it, but I have received several issues of Latina.  Now I have not or would not sign up for a magazine like that mostly because I am not Latin.  But it’s not like a sample or anything because I have received several of them.  The other junk mail that Tony gets is pamphlets about a natural male enhancement drug .  I mean it’s not like he is subscribing to these things so why are we getting junk mail.  And the magazines I keep getting, I better not receive a bill for them or I will  get pretty angry because from past experience I know that it is really difficult to cancel the subscription then they want to put it on my credit for non-payment.  ANNOYING!

…..it’s that time of the month that I just feel really cranky.  Yes coincidentally it is also that time of the month (thanks Aunt Flo) but it just seems like all too often these days I just feel really out of it.  I feel cranky, angry, sad, depressed, lonely, you name the emotion and I probably feel it.

I don’t know if school is getting the best of me or just life in general but it sucks.  It seems intensified since I had my tubes tied.  Maybe it’s just that I had been pregnant for the last 3 years almost straight and hadn’t really gotten my monthly friend.  Maybe I am getting older and these are the affects.  Maybe I just have more on my plate than I can handle.  I don’t know but I REALLY hate this feeling.  Every day my stomach is in knots, worrying about something.

I am REALLY trying to get my online store up a running but I know it’s not a priority, compared to school and my kids, but I just don’t feel I can give it my all.  I don’t feel I can allow myself time to focus on it.  Time to update inventory, advertise, craft, and promote.  I really want to make something of this store, even if it is just for my hobby, a way to meet new people, and a way to craft for free/cheap.

In addition, life is getting more expensive.  My kids, they are requiring more money.  Nicki wants money all the time to go to a game, eat out (with friends), purchase spirit items for school or whatever.  I still have 3 kids in diapers.  They are all growing up so fast and need new clothes or shoes all the time.  Thankfully we are in the process of potty training Lil Tony and that seems to be going pretty well.  It just seems like a lot is happening all at once.  All of our annual renewals are coming due.  Christmas is right around the corner.  The winter, cold weather is coming which means EVERYONE needs new clothes or shoes or something.  The kids are growing up so they are eating more.  I love my kids and wouldn’t change anything, heck I would have more kids if I could, I just feel really overwhelmed right now.  I wish we had means to make more money.  I wish I could work and bring home some income.

So, as I just pointed out, we are in the process of potty training Lil Tony and I can’t believe how well it’s going.  We opted for the naked potty training method.  See the first couple days we tried using underwear and he still had tons of accidents.  So I said screw it we are going naked.  We have been doing this for just under a week and he has been doing great.  We still put a diaper on at night and at nap but all day he does without.  He is now getting to where he tells me when he has to go.  I LOVE it.  In the next couple days I will make the adjustment and not allow diapers for nap or bedtime.  I just need to mentally prepare myself for accidents and such.  He likes to bring a glass of water to bed with him.  I don’t think he drinks in the middle of the night, but I know he chugs some water right before bed.  We will have to put a stop to that.  Maybe he would do OK if he wasn’t in a diaper, I dunno.  Because it seems even if I put a diaper on him during the day when he is awake, he will pee in his diaper.  Overall though I am really excited.  I thought this was going to be way more difficult.

I think a lot of my sadness and depression comes from the lack of money.  I know that no matter what is going on, if we have money, I am super happy.  I feel a bit stress free.  The question is do I stop the webstore so I don’t have that to worry about anymore.  Do I give up crafting?  Do I disappear off the craft blogosphere?  That may be my biggest stress, trying to keep that going, stocked with supplies, and allowing myself time to craft so I can keep up with my blog.  I LOVE crafting but I don’t want it to turn in to a chore and not a hobby.

I really just need some time to sort things out, get my head on straight, prioritize, and then maybe I can think clearly on what I need to do going forward.  Happiness is my goal, however that may be accomplished.