It has been about a year since I did Yoga and I must say I miss it.  I felt so wonderful after class but I was never disciplined enough to do it  at home.  I would really like once our life calms down a bit to start taking some sort of exercise class again.  I will probably have to get another one of those Wellness Mats that I loved so much but it will be well worth it to take Yoga classes again!! 

I always come across websites that have pop ups and this one was for apidextra.  I think it is haunting me.  LOL!!  All these diet pill ads.  I want to do it alone.  I want to know that I could keep my weight under control myself.  I want to make sure that when I get my weight under control I will know how to maintain it.  Can I do it??  I just worry my cravings will get the better of me.  LOL!!

Things have been going well.  I have been watching what I eat for months now.  Making sure that I don’t eat too much.  I need to lose weight but I just don’t have time to exercise.  I am away from home enough that I don’t want to be away from home any more.  I don’t want to take any pills like fenphedrine to help lose weight but I have to keep pushing myself to get to where I would be happy.  I am not happy now, unfortunately. 

When I was younger I had nice skin, nice hair, I was skinnier, and I just had nicer features.  LOL!!  Over the years those features have gone to shit.   I guess with my aging I should think about aging cremes and taking care of my skin.  I have given it a lot of thought and I think I might sign up for the gym again.  The winter is coming which means no chance at all to go for walks or anything.  My body is getting old and overweight.  My body aches and has lots of pains.  I need to do something.  It seems like there are serums and ointments for everything.  Heck I even saw one the other day for eyelash growth serums.  What??  LOL!!

Anywho, I have never really been in to ointments, creme, makeup, etc but I guess if I don’t want to age horribly then I need to do something about it now.

Now that the kids are getting a little older and I can trust Nicki and little more with the kids, Tony and I can go do things together, alone!!  It’s been really nice.  We went to school the other day together, Tony had to take a test and I went to class.  Last night Tony and I went on a 45 min walk around the neighborhood.  Maybe if I can keep going on walks I won’t need to worry about finding Weight loss pills that work fast.  Last night I could truly see just how out of shape I am and how I need to go on many more walks.  LOL!!  Tony and I are going to try and go tomorrow night and every night we have the chance. 

I have been struggling with my weight since I had Nicki over 14 years ago.  I have lost weight and gained weight and the cycle has continued over the years.  Just before meeting Tony I had hit a weight I was happy with and could continue to be happy with but then I started having kids.  One after another for three consecutive years.  I gained weight with the first one and busted my butt to lose, gained weight with the second and didn’t get to lose as much before I was pregnant again.  After baby #3 I lost a bunch of weight, was only a few pounds away from that “happy weight” and then Tony and I started going to school.

When we started school I was determined to still fit in the workouts.  Wake up bright and early and hit the gym, then come home and study or do homework before the kids woke up.  LOL!!  Yeah that didn’t happen very long.  We changed the kids sleeping pattern by not putting them to nap during the day so they will go to bed around 6pm so we could have a couple hours to study at night before we went to bed.  That seemed to work really well for school and our schedule but then it seemed going to the gym was not in the plans, it was an inconvenience.  So instead of paying almost $60 a month to only go to the gym once or twice a week we canceled the membership.  Financially that was a good move, physically my body retaliated against me.  LOL!  Within the first 3 months I gained back all the weight I had lost.  Then between the stress of gaining weight and the stress of school and the stress of the kids I think I gained more.

I have struggled to accept my weight and myself.  I don’t want to be this weight forever but I can’t keep obsessing about it.  Very recently I started to become more accepting.  I don’t exercise which is certainly not good but I try to be concious of what I eat.  Don’t get me wrong I sometimes eat more than I should but sometimes I control myself.  I am beginning to accept myself and maybe if I relax a bit then I will lose without even thinking about it.

I have been told that stress causes women to gain weight in the mid section and I think that is what is happening to me.  I just need to worry about my kids and school and I think everything else will work itself out.

LOL!  I am not sure what my problem is.  This whole weight thing has my nerves in a knot.  I want to be happy. I want to be energetic. I want to stop needing a nap in the middle of the day.  I want to stop being out of breathe carrying my kids up the stairs.  I just want to be happy.  It is not realistic in my life to be on a “diet”.  Honestly we can’t afford fruits and vegetables all the time.  We can’t afford the expensive “healthy” foods.  It takes a lot of time to count calories and measure my food, with 4 kids and full time school I just don’t have the time.  I don’t feel I eat THAT much in a day but I am gaining weight and not losing.  Maybe I really am eating more than I think.  Maybe I need to just count one “normal” day of calories.  Maybe I will see that I eat 2x’s the amount that I should be.  Maybe I am not eating the right foods, enough fruits and vegetables.

Maybe I need to eat smaller meals and more of them.  Maybe I eat too much 3 times a day.  Could it be a thyroid problem?  Could it be genetics?  Am I forever doomed and will forever struggle with my weight?  Do I need to just be happy with who I am; the weight I am?  Do I need to see a doctor?  Do I need to take diet pills?  Will exercise really help, even if it is just a brisk walk around the neighborhood?  If it’s a thyroid problem, do I need to take progesterone supplements?

How do I feel better about myself?  How do I accept myself?  How do I lose the weight without spending countless hours working out and counting calories?  Will I ever be happy with myself?