When I was younger I had nice skin, nice hair, I was skinnier, and I just had nicer features.  LOL!!  Over the years those features have gone to shit.   I guess with my aging I should think about aging cremes and taking care of my skin.  I have given it a lot of thought and I think I might sign up for the gym again.  The winter is coming which means no chance at all to go for walks or anything.  My body is getting old and overweight.  My body aches and has lots of pains.  I need to do something.  It seems like there are serums and ointments for everything.  Heck I even saw one the other day for eyelash growth serums.  What??  LOL!!

Anywho, I have never really been in to ointments, creme, makeup, etc but I guess if I don’t want to age horribly then I need to do something about it now.

Now that the kids are getting a little older and I can trust Nicki and little more with the kids, Tony and I can go do things together, alone!!  It’s been really nice.  We went to school the other day together, Tony had to take a test and I went to class.  Last night Tony and I went on a 45 min walk around the neighborhood.  Maybe if I can keep going on walks I won’t need to worry about finding Weight loss pills that work fast.  Last night I could truly see just how out of shape I am and how I need to go on many more walks.  LOL!!  Tony and I are going to try and go tomorrow night and every night we have the chance. 

I have been struggling with my weight since I had Nicki over 14 years ago.  I have lost weight and gained weight and the cycle has continued over the years.  Just before meeting Tony I had hit a weight I was happy with and could continue to be happy with but then I started having kids.  One after another for three consecutive years.  I gained weight with the first one and busted my butt to lose, gained weight with the second and didn’t get to lose as much before I was pregnant again.  After baby #3 I lost a bunch of weight, was only a few pounds away from that “happy weight” and then Tony and I started going to school.

When we started school I was determined to still fit in the workouts.  Wake up bright and early and hit the gym, then come home and study or do homework before the kids woke up.  LOL!!  Yeah that didn’t happen very long.  We changed the kids sleeping pattern by not putting them to nap during the day so they will go to bed around 6pm so we could have a couple hours to study at night before we went to bed.  That seemed to work really well for school and our schedule but then it seemed going to the gym was not in the plans, it was an inconvenience.  So instead of paying almost $60 a month to only go to the gym once or twice a week we canceled the membership.  Financially that was a good move, physically my body retaliated against me.  LOL!  Within the first 3 months I gained back all the weight I had lost.  Then between the stress of gaining weight and the stress of school and the stress of the kids I think I gained more.

I have struggled to accept my weight and myself.  I don’t want to be this weight forever but I can’t keep obsessing about it.  Very recently I started to become more accepting.  I don’t exercise which is certainly not good but I try to be concious of what I eat.  Don’t get me wrong I sometimes eat more than I should but sometimes I control myself.  I am beginning to accept myself and maybe if I relax a bit then I will lose without even thinking about it.

I have been told that stress causes women to gain weight in the mid section and I think that is what is happening to me.  I just need to worry about my kids and school and I think everything else will work itself out.

LOL!  I am not sure what my problem is.  This whole weight thing has my nerves in a knot.  I want to be happy. I want to be energetic. I want to stop needing a nap in the middle of the day.  I want to stop being out of breathe carrying my kids up the stairs.  I just want to be happy.  It is not realistic in my life to be on a “diet”.  Honestly we can’t afford fruits and vegetables all the time.  We can’t afford the expensive “healthy” foods.  It takes a lot of time to count calories and measure my food, with 4 kids and full time school I just don’t have the time.  I don’t feel I eat THAT much in a day but I am gaining weight and not losing.  Maybe I really am eating more than I think.  Maybe I need to just count one “normal” day of calories.  Maybe I will see that I eat 2x’s the amount that I should be.  Maybe I am not eating the right foods, enough fruits and vegetables.

Maybe I need to eat smaller meals and more of them.  Maybe I eat too much 3 times a day.  Could it be a thyroid problem?  Could it be genetics?  Am I forever doomed and will forever struggle with my weight?  Do I need to just be happy with who I am; the weight I am?  Do I need to see a doctor?  Do I need to take diet pills?  Will exercise really help, even if it is just a brisk walk around the neighborhood?  If it’s a thyroid problem, do I need to take progesterone supplements?

How do I feel better about myself?  How do I accept myself?  How do I lose the weight without spending countless hours working out and counting calories?  Will I ever be happy with myself?

I am trying something new.  Instead of going on a “diet” I am going to just try and have a smoothie for breakfast and lunch and then a regular dinner. The smoothie’s I have been drinking have been peanut butter, chocolate, banana, with some instant coffee.  Since the weather is getting nicer, I have been adding the coffee to my smoothie instead of drinking hot coffee.  The ingredients of the smoothie make me full and are good for me.

I have pretty much been in hibernation over the last 4 years with the kids and not working.  Basically what I mean is since I have been home with the kids and mostly pregnant for all of that time, I haven’t taken care of myself as well as I should have.  Not paying attention to my weight and appearance.  I mean what do I care what I look like when I am just sitting at home.  But now I am going to school and will be going to work sometime next fall (2012).  I need to start thinking about that.  At the weight I am currently at it is hard for me to find clothes I am happy with, happy with the way I look.

I have started this smoothie kick earlier this week and so far so good.  I need to find some healthy snacks I can eat a little bit of in between, like nuts or something because I do get a wee bit hungry.

If this fails I will have to go and find some diet pills or something to help me out.  I just don’t think I can do it any other way.  Maybe I will try some adipex or something.  I will have to do a little more research on it to see exactly what it does and what any side affects there may be.  Let’s just hope the smoothie’s help because not only are they tasty but I don’t want to have to take any pills.

Since I am on break from school for the next 2 weeks in between semesters I will have a ton of time to blog hop and craft.  I haven’t really been able to craft in a while, I have about 300 photos that need to be scrapped.  Check out my craft blog and see what I have been up to.    I will also have time to browse the web.  I really want a tablet pc.  Tony got a convertible laptop which is a laptop that is also a tablet and he uses it at school to take notes.  I am really tired of misplacing or forgetting my notebooks at home.  If I had a tablet to take notes it would be so much more convenient.

I think I might also want to look in to some place I can workout or some diet pills, I have heard a lot about hgh, so I would want to do my own research.  I just can’t keep not working out.  Not going to work.  Maybe I can find a diet pill that will give me a ton of energy because I feel really tired during the day, I am sure it is from lack of exercise but if I can’t exercise then I am going to have to do something.  I will have time to figure it out over the next couple weeks.

I really need to do something about being able to exercise.  As the year continues I will be in school a whole lot more.  I will be taking 9 credit hours over the summer and 18 credit hours in the fall,  I just don’t know when I would have time to go to the gym.  Plus we are trying to put all our extra money in savings for when we move next year.  The weather has been really crappy lately, we had 2 really nice days in a row and then yesterday evening it started to cool down.  The mornings have been cold and Tony has been working plus Nicki has been sleeping in since it is her Spring break.  I don’t want to leave to go on my walk with Abby if the kids happen to wake while I am gone and Nicki is sleeping.

I really need to take control.  We plan on moving next year and I just want to have control, new place starting a new job, I am going to want to buy new clothes.  Maybe I need to look in to Lipofuze.  I have tossed around the idea of diet pills before and as much as I don’t want to take them I just don’t think I do enough physical activity to lose the weight and take control without it.  I will do a little more research but I may have to take some sort of diet supplement.