Anywho, I have never really been in to ointments, creme, makeup, etc but I guess if I don’t want to age horribly then I need to do something about it now.

When we started school I was determined to still fit in the workouts.  Wake up bright and early and hit the gym, then come home and study or do homework before the kids woke up.  LOL!!  Yeah that didn’t happen very long.  We changed the kids sleeping pattern by not putting them to nap during the day so they will go to bed around 6pm so we could have a couple hours to study at night before we went to bed.  That seemed to work really well for school and our schedule but then it seemed going to the gym was not in the plans, it was an inconvenience.  So instead of paying almost $60 a month to only go to the gym once or twice a week we canceled the membership.  Financially that was a good move, physically my body retaliated against me.  LOL!  Within the first 3 months I gained back all the weight I had lost.  Then between the stress of gaining weight and the stress of school and the stress of the kids I think I gained more.

I have struggled to accept my weight and myself.  I don’t want to be this weight forever but I can’t keep obsessing about it.  Very recently I started to become more accepting.  I don’t exercise which is certainly not good but I try to be concious of what I eat.  Don’t get me wrong I sometimes eat more than I should but sometimes I control myself.  I am beginning to accept myself and maybe if I relax a bit then I will lose without even thinking about it.

I have been told that stress causes women to gain weight in the mid section and I think that is what is happening to me.  I just need to worry about my kids and school and I think everything else will work itself out.

Maybe I need to eat smaller meals and more of them.  Maybe I eat too much 3 times a day.  Could it be a thyroid problem?  Could it be genetics?  Am I forever doomed and will forever struggle with my weight?  Do I need to just be happy with who I am; the weight I am?  Do I need to see a doctor?  Do I need to take diet pills?  Will exercise really help, even if it is just a brisk walk around the neighborhood?  If it’s a thyroid problem, do I need to take progesterone supplements?

How do I feel better about myself?  How do I accept myself?  How do I lose the weight without spending countless hours working out and counting calories?  Will I ever be happy with myself?

I have pretty much been in hibernation over the last 4 years with the kids and not working.  Basically what I mean is since I have been home with the kids and mostly pregnant for all of that time, I haven’t taken care of myself as well as I should have.  Not paying attention to my weight and appearance.  I mean what do I care what I look like when I am just sitting at home.  But now I am going to school and will be going to work sometime next fall (2012).  I need to start thinking about that.  At the weight I am currently at it is hard for me to find clothes I am happy with, happy with the way I look.

I have started this smoothie kick earlier this week and so far so good.  I need to find some healthy snacks I can eat a little bit of in between, like nuts or something because I do get a wee bit hungry.

If this fails I will have to go and find some diet pills or something to help me out.  I just don’t think I can do it any other way.  Maybe I will try some adipex or something.  I will have to do a little more research on it to see exactly what it does and what any side affects there may be.  Let’s just hope the smoothie’s help because not only are they tasty but I don’t want to have to take any pills.

I think I might also want to look in to some place I can workout or some diet pills, I have heard a lot about hgh, so I would want to do my own research.  I just can’t keep not working out.  Not going to work.  Maybe I can find a diet pill that will give me a ton of energy because I feel really tired during the day, I am sure it is from lack of exercise but if I can’t exercise then I am going to have to do something.  I will have time to figure it out over the next couple weeks.

I really need to take control.  We plan on moving next year and I just want to have control, new place starting a new job, I am going to want to buy new clothes.  Maybe I need to look in to Lipofuze.  I have tossed around the idea of diet pills before and as much as I don’t want to take them I just don’t think I do enough physical activity to lose the weight and take control without it.  I will do a little more research but I may have to take some sort of diet supplement.

I don’t want to get old and be out of shape.  I feel miserable.  I am gaining weight and without working out I will get completely out of control.  The only way it seems I can lose the weight is some SERIOUS discipline.  I am not sure I want to commit to something like that, especially with all the other stuff going on.

Next semester I am taking 6 classes, that’s 18 credits.  YIKES.  On top of Lil Tony in school and we plan on moving next summer.  My hair is going to start to fall out from stress and then I am going to stress on having to find some sort of hair loss treatment.  I mean I am not sure how much more stress I can handle.  LOL!

What bothers me is that I am taking Yoga as a class and I can clearly see I am getting stronger.  There are certain poses that I totally couldn’t do in the beginning of the semester and I am so much better at it now.  It is just around my middle that is taking a toll.  My Yoga Professor did say that women that stress a lot tend to gain weight around the middle so maybe that is my problem.  All I know is at the way I am going I am going to be in a really bad way if I don’t make a change.

My kids are getting older and I need to start thinking about myself now too though, exercising will be a start.  I want to try and lose weight, continue to exercise and maintain the weight I decided was acceptable.  That is all.

I think my realization that something needs to change is when I was at Yoga the other day.  I am taking Yoga in school as one of my required classes and we have been in session now for about 10 weeks.  I have not had any problems doing anything until the other day.  I was miserable, my knee was in so much pain that it made the rest of my body ache.  I just didn’t feel good about myself.

I am also tired of having to chose from the Extended selections when I shop for clothes.  I just really need to take control before it gets too late and I can’t take control.  My family has a history of being overweight, and it is evident with my aunt, uncles and even my dad that if we don’t work out we will be overweight.  I think my dad and one of my aunts are the only ones that actively take care of themselves, another aunt had to have the weight loss surgery.  I do however feel I am healthier than some of the skinnier people I know.  Maybe it was just my knee causing me so much pain the other day that it took a toll on the rest of my body.

I have to take control, and I need to start now!!