I am trying something new.  Instead of going on a “diet” I am going to just try and have a smoothie for breakfast and lunch and then a regular dinner. The smoothie’s I have been drinking have been peanut butter, chocolate, banana, with some instant coffee.  Since the weather is getting nicer, I have been adding the coffee to my smoothie instead of drinking hot coffee.  The ingredients of the smoothie make me full and are good for me.

I have pretty much been in hibernation over the last 4 years with the kids and not working.  Basically what I mean is since I have been home with the kids and mostly pregnant for all of that time, I haven’t taken care of myself as well as I should have.  Not paying attention to my weight and appearance.  I mean what do I care what I look like when I am just sitting at home.  But now I am going to school and will be going to work sometime next fall (2012).  I need to start thinking about that.  At the weight I am currently at it is hard for me to find clothes I am happy with, happy with the way I look.

I have started this smoothie kick earlier this week and so far so good.  I need to find some healthy snacks I can eat a little bit of in between, like nuts or something because I do get a wee bit hungry.

If this fails I will have to go and find some diet pills or something to help me out.  I just don’t think I can do it any other way.  Maybe I will try some adipex or something.  I will have to do a little more research on it to see exactly what it does and what any side affects there may be.  Let’s just hope the smoothie’s help because not only are they tasty but I don’t want to have to take any pills.

Since I am on break from school for the next 2 weeks in between semesters I will have a ton of time to blog hop and craft.  I haven’t really been able to craft in a while, I have about 300 photos that need to be scrapped.  Check out my craft blog and see what I have been up to.    I will also have time to browse the web.  I really want a tablet pc.  Tony got a convertible laptop which is a laptop that is also a tablet and he uses it at school to take notes.  I am really tired of misplacing or forgetting my notebooks at home.  If I had a tablet to take notes it would be so much more convenient.

I think I might also want to look in to some place I can workout or some diet pills, I have heard a lot about hgh, so I would want to do my own research.  I just can’t keep not working out.  Not going to work.  Maybe I can find a diet pill that will give me a ton of energy because I feel really tired during the day, I am sure it is from lack of exercise but if I can’t exercise then I am going to have to do something.  I will have time to figure it out over the next couple weeks.

I really need to do something about being able to exercise.  As the year continues I will be in school a whole lot more.  I will be taking 9 credit hours over the summer and 18 credit hours in the fall,  I just don’t know when I would have time to go to the gym.  Plus we are trying to put all our extra money in savings for when we move next year.  The weather has been really crappy lately, we had 2 really nice days in a row and then yesterday evening it started to cool down.  The mornings have been cold and Tony has been working plus Nicki has been sleeping in since it is her Spring break.  I don’t want to leave to go on my walk with Abby if the kids happen to wake while I am gone and Nicki is sleeping.

I really need to take control.  We plan on moving next year and I just want to have control, new place starting a new job, I am going to want to buy new clothes.  Maybe I need to look in to Lipofuze.  I have tossed around the idea of diet pills before and as much as I don’t want to take them I just don’t think I do enough physical activity to lose the weight and take control without it.  I will do a little more research but I may have to take some sort of diet supplement.

I am gaining weight and it is getting out of control.  Tony took a picture of me last night and I just about shit myself.  As soon as I started back at school and had to cancel my gym membership things have been going downhill.  So to make some changes I woke up a little before the kids and decided to go for a walk, I took Abby.  She loved it.  I was only able to take about a 20 min walk but it felt great and it put in perspective just how out of shape I really am.  The way I walked required me to walk up and down some hills and by the last hill towards the end of the walk I am pretty sure Abby was dragging me up the hill.  If she wasn’t with me I would have not made it.

I don’t want to get old and be out of shape.  I feel miserable.  I am gaining weight and without working out I will get completely out of control.  The only way it seems I can lose the weight is some SERIOUS discipline.  I am not sure I want to commit to something like that, especially with all the other stuff going on.

Next semester I am taking 6 classes, that’s 18 credits.  YIKES.  On top of Lil Tony in school and we plan on moving next summer.  My hair is going to start to fall out from stress and then I am going to stress on having to find some sort of hair loss treatment.  I mean I am not sure how much more stress I can handle.  LOL!

What bothers me is that I am taking Yoga as a class and I can clearly see I am getting stronger.  There are certain poses that I totally couldn’t do in the beginning of the semester and I am so much better at it now.  It is just around my middle that is taking a toll.  My Yoga Professor did say that women that stress a lot tend to gain weight around the middle so maybe that is my problem.  All I know is at the way I am going I am going to be in a really bad way if I don’t make a change.

Do I stick with just exercise, will that be enough?  Or should I turn to diet supplement type pills.  I just don’t want to rely on anything I don’t plan on doing long term.  It isn’t realistic to take diet pills for the rest of my life.  I need to do some research and figure out what would be the best solution.  I came across one called m5 extreme but I am not sure anything about it.

My kids are getting older and I need to start thinking about myself now too though, exercising will be a start.  I want to try and lose weight, continue to exercise and maintain the weight I decided was acceptable.  That is all.

About my weight.  I am gaining weight and not able to lose or even maintain it.  I focus all my time on school and the kids and not enough time on myself.  I had to cancel the gym last fall when I started school and that was probably the worst mistake because I NEED to exercise.  I know we can’t afford for me to go to the gym or anything so my new plan is to wake in the morning, early hopefully, and go for a walk.  I am going to try and take Abby but Tony think she will just irritate me.  So I will try one or two times and see how it goes.  I think she might motivate me to walk faster than if she wasn’t with me.

I think my realization that something needs to change is when I was at Yoga the other day.  I am taking Yoga in school as one of my required classes and we have been in session now for about 10 weeks.  I have not had any problems doing anything until the other day.  I was miserable, my knee was in so much pain that it made the rest of my body ache.  I just didn’t feel good about myself.

I am also tired of having to chose from the Extended selections when I shop for clothes.  I just really need to take control before it gets too late and I can’t take control.  My family has a history of being overweight, and it is evident with my aunt, uncles and even my dad that if we don’t work out we will be overweight.  I think my dad and one of my aunts are the only ones that actively take care of themselves, another aunt had to have the weight loss surgery.  I do however feel I am healthier than some of the skinnier people I know.  Maybe it was just my knee causing me so much pain the other day that it took a toll on the rest of my body.

I have to take control, and I need to start now!!

I’m really struggling with myself lately.  I am having a real hard time accepting myself and in turn I am taking it out on Tony and sometimes the kids.  I can never seem to feel comfortable with who I am.  I enjoy food TOO MUCH to stop eating.  When I get depressed I find myself in a non-caring mood and just eat.  Then when I snap out of my funk I feel like shit for what I did.  I don’t sit on the couch and gorge myself but I certainly don’t limit myself. I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner but I eat A LOT during those meals.

I REALLY need to lose weight and it REALLY scares me I don’t have the will power.  At the rate I am going I will be sickly fat.  People want to say that women under stress carry extra fat around the middle in the belly.  That is where I keep gaining.

I just feel sad!!